


Mischievous Intellectuals in the TARDIS

by CandyassGoth



Series: Mischievous Intellectuals in the TARDIS [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Sherlock (TV), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, BBC, Crack Fic, Crossover, Funny, Gay, Gen, M/M, Marvel - Freeform, Mash-up, childish insults, implied moriarty, sassiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 04:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandyassGoth/pseuds/CandyassGoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A three way crossover where both Loki and the Eleventh Doctor crash out of the blue into Sherlock's living room one by one, ending in a threeway battle of wits and dry humour. Lot's of bitching, taunting, insults, implied!pervy!Jim and OOCness, and gayness. All the good stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mischievous Intellectuals in the TARDIS

**Author's Note:**

> A/N HELLO. My overactive brain demanded I write this. It's a PWP (but not porn LE GASP ) oneshot. Here three of my favourite guys will meet. Loki, Sherlock, and the Doctor. They've taken control of my life hence this oneshot. All three of them were begging for attention so I figured I'd make them meet and they'd stopped bugging me. HAH, if anything it made it worse, and THIS was born.
> 
> This was intended to be a hilarious crack fic BUT Sherlock and Loki aren't exactly the comedians of their shows, so it's not as funny as my previous works. Thus this contains randomness and obscurity. Let's pretend all three of their worlds exist at once, and both Loki and Sherlock are gay. Which they are. I'm just warning you. Also I ship River Song and Eleven, also warning you.
> 
> Thus Loki, Sherlock and the Eleventh Doctor will meet here under cliché circumstances. Enjoy OOCness, randomness, gayness, bigheadedness, mature yet childish insults, implied Moriarty and a possible longing for a sequel I won't write because Sterek is already in my head as I write this A/N. 
> 
> Also... they don't quite make it into the TARDIS, I just thought this fic name was glorious.
> 
> I don't own these characters. If I did, God help them.

Mischievous Intellectuals in the TARDIS

Lying upside down on his armchair so that the blood rushed to his brain faster, Sherlock texted furiously on his phone. His hair hung towards the carpet, his knees hooked over the head rest of the chair where his head should have been. It was a work out for his arms to hold out the phone in front of his face, and every few moments he'd sit up, boasting his fitness and recalling certain information, before discarding it as useless and falling back down to reply to the inevitable replies.

At least an hour ago John had left with Mrs Hudson to do shopping. They were out of anything edible in the fridge, unless you aspired to become Hannibal, so John was left to do the grocery shopping again. He took Sherlock’s card, mumbled to himself about purposely spending more than he should and left with Mrs Hudson, barking a goodbye at Sherlock who was rummaging through the wardrobe and scattering the room with clothes.

Their departure went unnoticed by Sherlock and an hour later he looked around from his upside down position, resting the phone on his chest.

“John! _John_! I think he wants us to meet. Not you. _Us_. I wonder which of his mysteries I'll crack this time. ...John? Are you gone?"

'Huh'ing to himself and pressing his lips together, Sherlock smiled vaguely when the very amusing ringtone rang. " _NO YOU WONT_." It was Moriarty's voice. Somehow the snake had hardwired his own personal ringtone into Sherlock's phone after hearing Irene had it. Sherlock couldn't remove it to save his life, so he stuck with the excuse that he wasn't bothered by such trivial things, and _no_ he wouldn’t throw away the phone for a new one because that would be admitting defeat. To be honest he found it amusing, but he wouldn't tell anyone that.

He brought the phone to his facial level and opened the hundredth text of the day.

_What has lips, is covered in hair, and wet inside?_

_JM_

Sherlock rolled his eyes and made an annoyed sound. "So obvious..." 

_An eye_

_SH_

He texted back, scoffing at the ridiculous riddle. He blew the hair out of his cheeks and looked around again, becoming bored. " _JAWN_." he whined.

Just when he was about to text Moriarty his own riddle, a muffled yet echoing bang clapped through the room like thunder and one of his bookcases fell right over, just missing the coffee table by centimetres. Books scattered and the wood landed on another small armchair. Sherlock was up on his feet in an instant, rolling over to land skilfully on his feet. He jumped up onto the chair, each foot on either armrest and took up a defensive stance. But what he saw was not what he expected. He hadn't known what to expect when his bookcase fell right over out of the blue, but the cloud of black smoke and the figure bursting through the solid wall was not high on his list.

Overcome by shock Sherlock almost fell over the back of the chair as the figure crashed into the poor coffee table, sending it straight to Hell under his weight. Static snapped all around the black smoke as it loomed from where the bookcase once was, and Sherlock gaped back and forth, looking desperately for explanations. 

The mysterious person was also back on their feet in an instant, stumbling blindly for the first few moments, waving around a long golden stick in what seemed to be for balance.

Now that it was indeed a person that had somehow broken into his home, Sherlock jumped off the chair and grabbed for his harpoon, awkwardly hold it with his phone in his hand and aiming it at the man clad in black. He forced his voice to appear, without the squeak he knew had developed, and jerked his weapon forward. "What is this!” he yelled, finally getting the man's attention, and was met with a returning air-poke from the golden rod.

Out of all the people to have appeared that fateful day it was none other than the God of Mischief, Loki. Said man was struggling to see straight, aiming his sceptre shakily. He was panting and sweating, looking around worriedly, having jumped through the random portal to avoid his own bloodshed.

“Where am I?!” he asked, angrily. 

“You are trespassing! How did you get in here?!” Sherlock narrowed his eyes, but never took them off the intruder who looked like he had just run a marathon to escape fangirls.

Loki tried his best to stop panting like a virgin on her wedding night and narrowed his eyes too, tightening his hold on his weapon. “Am I in America?”

Sherlock squinted at him, wondering if he was evil or insane. “No, you're in _England_! Who are you?!”

The black-haired man didn't answer, and promptly ignored Sherlock in favour of studying his surroundings and trying to see out the window, apparently he didn't know he was in London.

Impatiently, Sherlock took the brief moment to study the intruder, but he could only deduce a few things about the man.

He had dark circles under his red eyes that were darting back and forth wildly, as if he was trying to hide from something, lacking good sleep and possibly under stress. His receding hair line and gaunt face proved that he was under stress, but his trained position even through his obvious suffering showed that he was disciplined and possibly trained in combat. There were multiple tears and scratches along him clothing and he was sweating, but there was no tan. It wasn’t prolonged sun or land-heat exposure, but probably physically activity. The odd clothing choice gave the impression of Halloween and a criminal fugitive, and the black smog could be a party trick to go with it, but there was no smell or residue to test.

Satisfied for now, Sherlock smiled smugly. “Who ever you are running from I guarantee you they'll find you especially now that I know you're here. American authorities I take, but you yourself aren't, judging by your accent and pompous attitude and by how you spat the word _America_." In a flash Sherlock zapped up his phone and snapped a picture of Loki. "Mycroft will see to it no doubt." He said as he sent it to his brother for additional information.

"I will not be captured again." Loki said, and began to laugh, but he was cut off by a loud ring of " _NO YOU WONT_."

Startled Loki swirled, aiming his sceptre randomly for the person who dare interrupt him with such a patronizing tone. But of course there was no one there. Silently Sherlock lifted his phoned, wishing it was Mycroft instead. "Excuse me. Don't move, or I will harpoon you." he warned a darkly amused Loki. He gave a lift of his brow as a warning and peeked at the text.

_I knew you wouldn't get that joke, Virgo Holmes._

_JM_

Sherlock frowned heavily, quickly irritated by his apparent mistake. "What did I miss?" he said to himself, scrolling up to the lame joke from before.

Loki frowned with him, glancing at the device. "What?"

Sherlock shook his head and slipped the mobile into his pajama pocket. He secured his grip on the harpoon and gestured to Loki. "You're a fugitive, from where?"

"You don't know who I am? Has the world forgotten so easily?" Loki said, smiling falsely.

Sherlock shrugged apathetically. "I delete from my mind anything that isn't of use, so I'm safe to say either I've never heard of you or you weren't important enough to remember. But let's work on the former."

Loki shrugged as well and wetted his dry lips, ignoring the tickle as sweat beaded down his neck. "Fine, whether you know who I am or not makes no difference, for you'll soon be dead."

"I doubt that." Sherlock said, evenly.

The God of Mischief took a step forward and pointed his sceptre purposely, ready to blast the stupid mortal away and perhaps use this place as his new hide-out. "Oh yes?"

But Sherlock was not intimidated. "Yes. You stumbled in here God knows how as confused and panicked the day you were born. You didn't walk in with an intent of killing me, you don't even know who I am, clearly. You speak as though you know the future and have done this a hundred times over so it makes me think this is all well rehearsed. Okay I'll bite, what is with your glowing sceptre? It is too early for Trick or Treating. Did you crash through a Halloween store as well?"

He may have been confused, but he refused to show it. He was happy to see Loki's eyes widen half-way through his small deduction and smirked when the man grit his teeth to the truth. "You talk too much."

Sherlock hummed and titled his head, "Funny, usually I boast too much."

Smirking back, Loki raised the sceptre once. "This is a weapon your little human mind cannot hope to comprehend."

As weird as it all was, Sherlock got stuck on the 'little mind' part. He stared blankly, which Loki took for fear, before speaking lowly. "...Little? The only thing little here is the length of your freedom."

His reply shocked Loki right into anger. His jaw tightened and he glared daggers at the rude human. "Speak another word and I will behead you."

" _NO YOU WONT_." 

This time Sherlock laughed as his phone went off in his pocket, and Loki looked around wildly, aiming his sceptre. "What is that?! Is someone here?!"

"Just an enemy texting me." Sherlock said, dismissively. He opened the message, fully capable of handling Moriarty _and_ this man."...What? What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?" he read out aloud. Loki did a double take at the choice of words. Sherlock typed back with one hand.

_I am busy._

_SH_

When it was sent he slipped away the phone again and looked back at the man. "Sorry, where were we? You said something about beheading?" But Loki was still stuck on the odd device that appeared to be causing that noise. He looked up, genuinely confused, and received a light roll of Sherlock's eyes. "Oh, he...personalised his ringtone and hardwired it into my phone. I haven't figured out how to remove it." he said, with much less feigned anger than he usually used. He frowned, wondering why the hell he was bothering to explain himself, and shook his head, looking back at Loki with a serious expression. "Okay, no more early morning fruitcake for me. If you fight fairly I'll give you a fighting chance. If not I cannot guarantee your ability to walk or use your wind pipe in approximately two minutes."

Loki didn't know whether to laugh or be genuinely alarmed.

"What? Oh, where are my manners. I am Sherlock Holmes. And you are the rebellious son who abuses hair gel to look like his favourite metal artist no doubt, but I would use a pitch fork instead of that if you're going for a demonic look-but-! ...no wait-... I keep veering of track...that sugar..-how did you get in here?" He asked, trying to get his buzzing head straight.

Electing to move forward in topic as well, Loki shifted. "...By magic. How did you know I was a fugitive?"

"I can smell it a mile away. What are you? A spy? An assassin? Or did you look up the First Lady's skirt?"

They shared a look full of curiosity and irritation. Loki knew mortals could be cocky, but he just burst through this man's home through a magic portal of black smog and the man was back-chatting him and pointing a harpoon. This was so unlike his other confrontations, if you don't count the Avengers.

" _NO YOU WONT_." Moriarty interrupted the tense silence, making Loki snap. 

"CAN YOU TURN THAT OFF?"

Sherlock raised a brow and scoffed, glancing at the glowing sceptre with a controlled breath. "It's my phone. I'll do what I want. He's just bored."

"Who?" Loki asked irritably before he could stop himself.

"My enemy."

"Why are you communicating with him if he's an enemy? Kill him instead. Or better, let _him_ kill _you_."

Sherlock pulled his lips. "Er, yes, been there and done that. We called a truce on the grounds that we keep each other from being bored. So for today he seems to be pulling jokes out of some crappy book."

Loki deadpanned, almost dropping his weapon from its position. "...You're joking with your enemy?"

"We already died for each other so that side of the wheel is stale. You look shocked, who is your enemy then? It can't be me, or you would have let it slip by now."

"The whole world." Loki answered after a moment of thought. 

Slowly it made more and more sense to the detective. "Rebellious son certainly."

"Shut up! You don't know anything about me!" Loki spat, lifting his sceptre again. He was so close to killing the mortal, but he was rather intrigued by his attitude, what made him so different from usual humans?

"Maybe not as much as I usually would, but you'd be surprised."

Scoffing darkly, Loki took a step forward. "No, you don't."

Sherlock stood his ground. "Yes I do."

Another booted step. "Don't."

Smiling with confidence, Sherlock lifted his nose as if royalty. "Come any closer and my intellect might just seduce you into submission."

Loki's mouth popped open in a short laugh and he smirked at the foolish man. "What makes you think I'd fall for it?"

"Let's say a hunch." Sherlock said.

"You have a big ego." Loki muttered, dropping his smirk to grind his teeth.

"I have something bigger."

Surprised, but unwilling to be defeated in any challenge, Loki raised a brow. "I doubt that."

Sherlock pulled a face, comically exaggerated. "Please don't make me prove it, things always get messy and I'm not one to apologize."

"Oh really? I could make you." Loki said, darkly, then-

" _NO YOU WONT_."

Loki made a funny noise and clenched his eyes at the audacity of the device. He laughed, shallowly, and looked up at Sherlock with a look that said ‘I hope you know I am going to slice you for each time I've heard that sound.’

But Sherlock ignored it. "I should answer him before he steals China." He pulled up his phone, leaving Loki to gape at his eye lids.

_Are you playing with your live-in? Does he have a friend?_

_JM_

Sherlock glanced up for courtesy, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Excuse me for a second." He said, and texted his enemy back.

_I would say go find your own but tomorrow we'll hear one of the Jonas brothers have been abducted. So get that out of your mind immediately._

_SH_

Slipping the phone away he mentally recited their few previous words and returned to Loki. "Okay we were...were we flirting?"

Loki stood, staring blankly this time, not bothered enough to lie. "Clearly I am deprived." he said sourly, in confirmation to the question.

Sherlock pulled a face and looked down at himself. Even in pajamas he looked good. At least, _he_ thought. "Why? What's wrong with me?"

It wasn't just this man himself that had Loki humiliated, but a few reasons. But for the sake of their argument he shrugged. "You're not my type."

Sherlock made a 'fine' noise, then smirked. "Oh, like them blond, buff and beautiful?" 

Loki's mouth popped open and he waited for Thor's annoying name to leave the man's lips, but instead Sherlock 'huh'd after a while and narrowed his calculating eyes. "Oh...you don't know John do you?"

Having had it with pointless throw backs Loki waved his hand out. "Just shut up! Okay, just-!"

"Don't speak to me like that in my own home!" Sherlock yelled back, taking his own step forward.

"I will speak-!" Loki started, initiating his magic in the last step and ready to fire, when they were both interrupted by a loud whirling loud. A bright flash of light blinded them and a strong wind out of nowhere knocked them off their feet, sending books and decorative items flying around the room like they were stuck in a tornado. The two men struggled to see from the floor, ducking when a large blue object crashed past them and banged into the wall besides them, tipping over to its side against the wall.

And then just like that the room settled. Random pieces of paper floated their way onto the floor and both Sherlock and Loki peeked up from behind the chair, their black hair wild and disturbed from the mini tornado. They glanced each other in a "WHAT THE FUCK" moment and then back to the large blue box resting against the wall, smoke seeping from the top corners.

Both utterly shocked, they scrambled back to their feet, pushing away from one another and lifting their weapons once more.

“You said magic, were you serious?” Sherlock asked, wondering if this was Loki's doing.

But it wasn't. “Not this kind of magic....” 

The men jumped when the door to the odd thing slammed opened, and out stumbled a coughing man. The figure waved his hands about as the smoke choked him, and tripped over a few various things when he exited into Sherlock's livingroom. Sherlock and Loki held their weapons close and watched with childlike eyes as the stranger stumbled their way, meeting them with a jolly smile.

“Oh! Hello there! Don’t panic! Sorry, I seemed to have crashed into your livingroom.”

It was said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. No one answered him, so the man continued, patting down his brown hair underneath his funny hat. “Oh, did I interrupt a lovers’ quarrel? Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Sherlock spluttered. “Lover? No, of course not.” He aimed his weapon at Loki who did the same, but turned it back to show he could use it on the new stranger if he needed to.

The stranger held up both hands, smiling at them both. “Whoa! I am not dangerous! At least not without a lot of reason.”

Loki chose the bigger threat and aimed his sceptre at the man. “Who are you? What is that?” he added, glancing at the big blue box.

The man smiled and straightened his bow tie. “I am the Doctor and-Oh my _gosh_! That-! Is beautiful!” he all but sprayed when he finally took note of their weapons, Loki's specifically. He leaned forward with giddy curiosity and opened his hands around the sceptre. “Look how she glows!”

Loki pulled away the sceptre, about to hiss and bitch, when he went blank and gawked at the man who called himself the Doctor. “How did you know... _she_?”

“Well if this is what I think it is..." he said, whipping out a tiny device which he circled around the sceptre. He ignored Loki's suspicious retreating and followed him, whipped up the tool and studying it. “Oh it is! Wow, I never thought I’d see her power again. And I had hoped not in the hands of a bad man. You’re not a bad man are you?”

Loki was gobsmacked. “You know the T-”

“Tesseract? Of course! I know- well, not _everything_ but close enough. Now, who are _you_ two love birds?” the Doctor asked, rubbing his palms together curiously.

“We’re not lovers!” Sherlock hissed.

Loki smiled cruelly. “I was about to kill him actually.”

The Doctor frowned, and pointed to the glowing sceptre. “What? With her? Well that is wrong on so many levels and I've seen a few over my few centauries.”

Loki couldn't think of a good retort, and ended up asking, “How many?”

“What?” Sherlock blurted rudely, looking between them.

Realising the situation he had stumbled into, or part of it, the Doctor laughed nervously and stood up straight. “...Let’s be friends! I’m a little alone at the moment and seeing as I know her and she knows you and you know him-! Let’s have a party! It’s been a while since I got loose! I might just-”

" _NO YOU WONT_."

As Loki stiffened, the Doctor swirled around and made a surprised noise. “Who was that?”

Noticing the little device in the Doctor's hand, Sherlock scrutinised it, ignoring his pocket. “What is that?”

Besides him Loki frowned. “Why do you care? It’s tiny.”

“You would know.” Sherlock shot back.

Loki laughed and grit his teeth, staring as hard as he could at Sherlock. “Oh, keep pressing my buttons.”

“Keep asking so nicely.” 

The Doctor looked between them. “Am I the only one concerned about that voice? I think that’s why I crash landed here. It must be a big threat to pull me off course like that.”

Pulling his glare from Loki, Sherlock glanced at the Doctor. “It’s my phone.” he said, then pulled it out and opened the newest message. “Do I make John sw-no. Nope.” Instantly the device was stashed away, and Loki was staring bug-eyed at him, for his mind was usually in the gutter as it was. Sherlock dropped the harpoon slightly to raise a bare hand. “I am starting on the impression that I am dreaming. Magic, a man in leather with a gold stick and one with a fez and a blue police box. Minus everything but the-no what am I saying-how can you two just have _crashed into my livingroom_?!”

The Doctor pulled his lips at the information. “Oh did we both? My apologies. I suppose you weren’t expecting company over, Mr...?”

“Sherlock Holmes.”

“Please to meet you, Sherlock! I’m the Doctor! That’s what everyone calls me. Or if you want, Sweetie works well too.”

This new man was even harder to deduct from than the first! His shoes were expensive looking and sturdy but covered in scratches and dirt. Plus the fez and his happy demeanour cemented the idea to Sherlock that he was a traveller. His smart but casual clothes gave the impression that he was a learned and classy man, but the fez showed a hint of playfulness, and a big hunch that the man was hiding something by distracting people with appearances. He had the happy-go-lucky attitude only wisdom brought and seeing as he wasn’t shocked by Loki’s appearance Sherlock guessed he was used to this type of thing probably from travelling. Before he could think any harder his mind halted on one word.

“Why Sweetie?" Sherlock asked, looking at him funny.

“Why not?” the Doctor grinned.

“What is that?” Loki asked, his eyes on the blue box.

Happy to explain anything, the Doctor clapped his hands. “That is the TARDIS!" he said, and jumped over to it where he stroked the side. “This pretty blue box of wonders. Yes you, you sexy beast." He ended his crooning with a rather meaningful spank. Loki couldn't decide which man was weirder.

Sherlock frowned but tried to remain as sane as possible. “Could you explain to me how you and your..." he trailed off, watching the Doctor grin at the TARDIS as if sharing an inside joke, "...sexy beast ended up in my livingroom.”

The Doctor returned his attention and linked his fingers. “Um...which word do you feel more comfortable with Sherlock, magic or science?”

“Science.” Sherlock answered immediately.

“Okay!” The Doctor said, shrugging and slipping his hands into his pockets. Sherlock looked at him, then at the box, then back.

“...Okay what?”

“That’s my answer.”

“Science? That’s your explanation?”

“Well, if it’s easiest for you to understand, sure.” The Doctor pouted, shrugging again.

“It’s a science your tiny brain cannot fathom, hence why you call it magic.” Loki added, staring down Sherlock for a retort.

The Doctor glanced between them, confused. “Are you two even friends?”

“I don’t have friends!” both men snapped at exactly the same time. They did a double take at one another and took a step back, staring at each other as if infected with a disease.

The Doctor laughed, pointing at them. “Brothers, perhaps? Oh I know! Brothers divided by birth then brought together by fate! Huh?”

“...No.” Loki said, irritably.

“Oh, did I get it wrong?”

“Of course.” Loki hissed, the same time as Sherlock said “Obviously.”. They gave each other another look. The Doctor however was chuffed.

“See you’re getting along already! All you need is some common grounds. Now. Who are you Mr. Tesseract?” he asked, gesturing to Loki who sneered.

“Why should I tell you?”

Sherlock cocked a brow. “You were all willing to tell me.”

Loki shot him a superior smirk. “You’re a weak mortal, clearly he isn’t of this world. He could pose a threat. Especially since you know the Tesseract.” He said, turning to the Doctor with a tilted expression of doom.

“Of course I know the Tesseract. But last time I heard it was being kept safe and sound by the All Father in Asgard. I heard he has a glorious beard.”

Again Loki was surprised by the strange tall man. “You...know...?”

Sherlock tried to pinch himself. “I’m sorry, _who_?”

“So, where do you come in all this with that?” The Doctor asked, looking pointedly to the sceptre.

Loki cocked his chin to the TARDIS. “First tell me what that is.”

“Wait, as in Norse Mythology?” Sherlock butted in, but he was ignored.

“This is my time travelling ship. And my home...” said the Doctor, as humbly as possible.

“Time travel?” Loki parroted in shock.

Sherlock now had a complete mega tornado of information flooding through his mind and almost lost his balance. Images and tales upon the dozen where zooming through his mind as it tried to link and sort it all out. “Wait what?”

“We’re all acquainted now. So, do you know Odin?” the Doctor asked Loki.

For once, Loki did not feel intimidated, neither did he feel like he had to prove to the man that he was as much an equal as anyone. The words rolled before he could stop them. “...He’s my step father.”

“Oh? Wait, wait...there is Balder...and Thor...and...er...”

“Loki!" Loki snapped, and the Doctor jumped, slapping a hand to his forehead.

“Oh! Yes! Sorry, I haven’t formally visited Asgard yet, last time it was a quick picnic with River. She has been nagging to go back… Wait, he allowed you to harness the Tesseract’s energies? That would be very naughty of you both, that isn’t a toy.”

Loki seethed. “I know it’s not a toy.”

Sherlock had dropped the harpoon to the side, and pointed with both hands at either man. “Am I safe to say I am not imagining all this? I might just need a cigarette-”

" _NO YOU WONT_."

Slamming the rounded end of his sceptre on the carpeted wood Loki shot Sherlock a blazing glare for the constant disruptions from his stupid device. “If I didn’t know better I’d say he is your _wife_!”

“If I didn’t know better I’d say you’re the black sheep of the family. Sharp and shy but you’re jealous, probably over your step brothers? This Tesseract is power? An out of grounds power so what better way to gain the spot light and prove yourself as superior as you think you are by stealing it and running away. You’re probably pursued but you refuse to give in so this isn’t a simple childish rebellion, there’s something else.”

By the end of it Loki's jaw was slack and the Doctor was looking increasingly interested.

Feeling smug from the vulnerable look on Loki's face Sherlock continued as more dawned on him. “Oh...you were exiled, aren’t you? Or are you avoiding a cell? You still have a big head so obviously you have a secret and it’s enough for you to be confident. Your hands are flawless and you're not built so I'd say you fight your battles psychologically and not physically which is usually how worth is decided amongst brothers and in men in general so you are not the golden boy trying to show his worth, you are trying to punish others for your lack of acknowledgement like you are some lost king. ...Am I right?”

Since that time when he first found out he was a Jotun, Loki now felt exposed and vulnerable. His heart was racing and he was sure his cheeks were pink, but he'd be damned if his eyes watered. “...I am a King. How are you doing that!”

" _NO YOU WONT_."

“SHUT THAT UP!”

Ignoring the screeching immature prince, the Doctor held a hand up to him, and looked at Sherlock in awe. “Just hold on. That was amazing Sherlock.”

“I get that a lot. Please excuse me.” Sherlock looked away from the two opposite faces and glanced at his phone.

While he was busy, the Doctor turned to the hissy cat. “...Well, Loki. You seem like a smart man, you weren’t here to kill Sherlock were you?”

Loki breathed deeply through his nose, looking peevishly at the man and his odd attire. “Not initially, but it’s crossed my mind. What is that?”

“What’s what?”

“That! On your head!” Loki felt an undeniable urge to stick his sceptre through the man’s funny red hat.

“It’s called a fez.” Sherlock muttered, typing away.

“Don’t you like it? No one seems to like it.” The Doctor said with a pout, setting it straight on his head.

Sherlock laughed, without looking up, “Lucky you, I have a funny hat that everyone loves, and I _hate_ it.”

“Is it a fez?” the Doctor asked hopefully.

Sherlock looked up as if he asked the most asinine thing. “Of course not.”

“Oh. Do you have a hat Loki?”

Sherlock slipped away his phone and raised a hand before Loki could even dare answer. “We’re going to talk about _hats_?”

“Hats can define a man.” The Doctor said, looking at the other two like they were students.

And like the class rebel, Loki fashioned himself his horn-helmet with a wave of golden dust, shocking Sherlock more than the Doctor. “Oh, really?”

“Oh, wow.”

“Horns?” Sherlock asked, staring unblinking.

“You could skewer a cyberman on those.” The Doctor added, leaning all over to look at them from different angles.

“Or mortals.” Loki grinned.

Unsure of how to reply, the Doctor licked his lips and pointed to the kitchen. “Yeah...anyone want tea?”

“I don’t have any.” Sherlock said, knowing of course HE would have to provide the tea as this was his home.

“No?”

“My roommate has yet to return with the groceries and when he does there still won’t be any tea because of what you’ve done to my flat!”

Sherlock was sure he had made an impression as the time-traveller stared at him with a heavy frown, but the reply wasn’t what he was expecting. “Are you human?”

“What?”

Loki clicked his tongue. “Of course he is, look at him.”

“So, you _both_ are not human?” Sherlock said, pointing at them with each hand.

“Certainly not.” Loki said, as if offended.

The Doctor on the other hand shot him a scolding glare. “Don’t say it like that, ‘ _Certainly not_.’. You make it sound so bad. Humans are fantastic! But the having one heart scenario still makes me cringe.”

The former two men stared at him, completely out of words. Loki’s drive for knowledge made him blurt out first. “What are you?”

“A Time Lord of course. Sherlock would you let me scan your brain quickly?”

Sherlock jumped, stepping away from the all-too-casual alien. “ _Scan_ my _brain_?”

“No, no just a quick scan outside your head, perfectly harmless and then we’ll know what’s going on in your noggin!”

“What, hack into my hard drive?”

The Doctor shook his head and flapped a hand, pulling out his little device. “Not hack! But take a peek."

Sherlock frowned, “Oh great, an alien and his prober.”

Loki shook his head vaguely, wondering what damage it could do. “It’s... _tiny_.”

“It’s my Sonic Screwdriver.” The Doctor said, grinning at it like a kid with his winning science project.

“Used I assume for alien mechanics?” Sherlock asked suspiciously.

“Well, all mechanics I suppose. But not wood. Now come on, allow me in your brain.”

As the Doctor took a step forward Sherlock took one back and debated whether to grab the harpoon. “No.”

“Pretty please.”

“NO.”

Loki snickered. “What a baby.”

Sherlock cocked a brow at him. “Would you let him in _your_ brain?”

“He couldn’t if he tried.”

“OH I’d pay to watch you resist.”

“It would last mere seconds before I triumph.”

“What makes you so certain.”

“What makes you so cocky?”

“My brain.”

“Mine too!”

Highly amused instead of concerned, the Doctor grinned at them and slapped his hands on his thighs. “Okay I have a solution. I’ll show you mine if you both show me yours!”

Sherlock and Loki’s glares turned into dumbfounded expressions that they shot at them, Loki glancing south with an extra ‘ugh’ on his lips. The Time Lord’s grin dropped and he scratched his cheek, clearing his throat for good measure. “I was...talking about brains.”

" _NO YOU WONT_."

This time it almost sounded like NO YOU WEREN’T and Loki burst into laughter. “Your wife has impeccable timing.”

“He is not my wife.” Sherlock muttered as he replied to the text.

“Tell him you’re busy entertaining two foreign men. That might shut him up.” 

“Oh God no, clearly you don’t know who you’re talking about. He’d snap the Eiffel tower in half and stick it on the Sphinx’s face to get my attention.”

“Who are we talking about?” the Doctor asked.

Sherlock waved a hand. “No one. And no, no friends will be made or problems solved. In fact the only thing I want is to know about that.” He pointed to the TARDIS.

Loki made an offended noise, a very fake noise, and tilted his head, eyes big and bottom lip out. “Oh, am I no longer tempting?”

Sherlock spared him a look at that said ‘are you serious?’. “He crashed through solid walls in a big blue box.”

Waving his screwdriver, the Doctor tapped it on his temple. “I’ll show you the TARDIS, if you show me what makes you so sharp.”

“For goodness sake.”

“Please.”

“Fine!” Sherlock huffed, and allowed the man to hop up excitedly. He watched, on guard, as the man aimed his funny little device.

“There that wasn’t so hard! Now just stand still...and...-Oh wow...this...is incredible.”

Loki pouted harder and leaned over to look at the screw driver as if it would explain everything to him. “What?”

Sherlock rolled his eyes heavily, watching the Doctor become excited. “I could have told you that myself.”

“No! Your-your signals are much further advanced for an ordinary human being. I mean human brains are extraordinary but that-! That is over developed, it’s amazing! No wonder you’re looking at us like we’re idiots, I can only imagine the brain power in there-well sort of, mine works on the same frequency but I’ve adapted and it’s used more for fun now. You know, mixing bicarbonate and vinegar makes a big fizz? It’s science and magic and fun all in one!”

They all had their chances to shock the other, but the Doctor held the record. He stuck his lips out. “...No?”

“That is child’s play.” Sherlock said, as if the Doctor was an idiot.

“Well, yes...like I said I’ve gotten used to it. Now! Loki, shall we take a peek at yours?”

" _NO YOU WONT_."

Sherlock was amused, and glanced at the phone. Moriarty had the best timing. “Trust him.”

The Doctor leaned forward to read as well, but Sherlock pulled away. 

“What?”

“My...nothing.”

“Right. Okay whatever your clever little brain wants.”

Just then Sherlock’s phone rang, it was Mycroft calling. Sherlock scoffed. “Oh wow, Mycroft is getting slower by the day.” He put the phone to his ear with a rather rude greeting, and listened to the man on the other end. The Doctor waited patiently, smiling at the extraordinarily smart man, while Loki looked around and wondered how flammable the room was. The phone call was brief and Sherlock’s smug express fell away, replaced by a very blank look.

“Ah huh...while we’re here, do you have anything about a mad man that travels in a big blue time travelling box? No...okay. Bye.”

Loki smirked back at him, raising a very high brow. “You look a little pale.”

“No just...processing.” Sherlock droned, staring into space as his brain indeed processed everything Mycroft just informed him about. Loki grinned this time. “Oh, did your contact find out info about me? Huh, not so cocky anymore.”

“Care to share?” The Doctor asked both of them. 

Sherlock chose to answer, just to wipe Loki’s smile off. “Apparently this lunatic reigned an alien army on New York because his big brother was next in line for the throne...not a far stretch from the usual nonsense. Sore loser as well?”

Loki scowled and waved a hand at him. “Oh, shut up! It’s not like that! I have my reasons!”

If anyone would know about aliens and their armies it was the Doctor. He frowned, now concerned, and aimed a hand at Loki for his attention. “Wait, who did you seek help from up _there_?”

“The Chitauri, if I heard correctly.” Sherlock answered for him, pulling his lips at Loki’s snort.

“Wow, that...those aren’t very nice people.” The Doctor said worriedly.

Loki rolled his eyes and nodded. “Rude and useless they were. And ugly.”

“Oh like you’re so pretty.” Sherlock said, determined not to be trampled.

“ _I am_. I can’t say the same for you.”

“Yes, because you’d use the word ‘Handsome’. It’s the masculine reference to beauty today amongst the male sex while pretty is the feminine version, which you appear to have no problem with.”

“How long ago was this? Your alien attack?” The Doctor asked Loki, having heard none of their banter.

“Two months or so.” Loki said, having no problem with being both handsome and pretty.

But Sherlock was determined to be annoying. “Oh yes just what have you been waiting for all this time? Looking for more help? I hope that isn’t why you’re here.”

“I’d never seek help from a human!” Loki spat. The Doctor frowned heavily and opened his palms, shrugging in an exaggerated manner. “Why not?”

“ _What_?”

“I ask for help from these lovely humans all the time!” he said, throwing an arm over Sherlock and patting his arm as if they were old friends. “I wouldn’t mind help from this brain, in fact!”

Loki groaned. “Oh please.”

The detective smirked. “Jealous?”

“Of what?”

“Well, obviously-get off me-you are not getting enough of attention at home.”

Glowering like a demon out of Hell, Loki hissed through grit teeth. “...I will behead you.”

The Doctor whistled and held his hands up. “Whoa boys.”

Sherlock laughed. “With what? Your ego or forehead?”

“ _Oh_.” The Doctor cringed.

“Well it depends where I am aiming, your chin or cheekbones.” Loki shot back.

The Doctor covered his own chin with his hand, already self conscious about it. “Okay, right, let’s try to get along.”

“When we’re dead.” Sherlock promised.

“That can be arranged.” Loki added, passionately.

“I actually know someone to arrange it.”

“I’ll give my sympathies to your wife.”

“Not before he annihilates your family, unfortunately-”

“LOOK! A flying pig!”

The heated men looked at the Doctor as if he interrupted their wedding vows. He laughed nervously and shrugged. “Well, that worked. Now if you’ll both behave, I’ll show you inside the TARDIS.”

Sherlock made a funny face and glanced at the apparent ship. “For what? Luncheon spooning?”

“Our egos might not fit.” Loki added.

“Oh ho! But you’ll be surprised! She’s bigger on-..well you’ll see. Come on!” The Doctor waved them on when he headed to the TARDIS, who was leaning against the wall from its crash. It was no longer smoking, and the Doctor petted her lovingly. “Sorry there, let’s get you straight.” He said, and took hold of a small corner and began to pull. But after a few failed attempts of even budging it, the Doctor let go with a grunt. “Er, help?”

Sherlock was as skinny as he was, but chose to avoid the labour using a different reason. “Is it a trap?”

The God of Mischief rolled his green eyes and sauntered over to the TARDIS. He glared at the Doctor for space, and when ready he grabbed a corner and with one tug of effort he pulled the box down straight. For once he was stronger than those around him, and felt a wave of smugness.

The Doctor coated it further. “Thank you! Asgardians are a strong bunch.” He said, patting his skinny arms.

Loki’s mood dampened slightly, but he kept a straight face. “I’m not Asgardian by blood.”

“No? What are you then?”

“...Jotun.”

“Jotun? Oh wow! You are rather small for a Jotun but a very magnificent race! Very durable and intriguing! Have you seen their monuments built entirely of ice? And because it’s always cold there, they last _forever_! You’d never guess such big hands are capable of such art, but it all depends on how steady the hand is.”

As Loki blushed, having heard his very first compliment on his heritage, Sherlock searched his brain to keep up. “Old Norse word for giant.”

“Oh don’t get it all complicated, they’re just another lovely race of people like the rest of us. Now, why are you so angry? The TARDIS doesn’t like negative energies.”

Loki turned away from the Doctor. “I am not speaking of that.”

The Doctor was wise, and unlike Sherlock who would have prodded and poked, he risked patting Loki’s shoulder and dropped the subject. “Very well...okay enough doom and gloom, let’s all go inside!”

“To where?” Sherlock asked, but he was already looking at the blue box.

“Oh, I’ll have you back before your roommate gets back. I hope.” The Doctor said, reading his mind with a grin.

“Travelling? Time?” Loki said, his sceptre now merely hanging in his hand, his body gravitating to the mysterious box.

“Yes, if you’re willing to go with a mad man.” He said, laughing and nodding at them both.

With nothing to lose, and interested in the man who was okay with admitting he was a mad man, Loki looked at him, excitement simmering in his emerald eyes. “...Birds of a feather.”

The Doctor slapped his palms together and spun on his heels, shooting his fingers at Sherlock when he turned back. “Hah! Great! Sherlock?”

The detective looked around, but his eyes settled on the TARDIS and his mind was reeling at the mere concept of time travel. There was no way he could say no, and even if Loki was going too. If he could handle Moriarty, he could handle anyone. “...Maybe for a few hours. But I must be home or John will be worried sick, then blog more embarrassing things.”

“John?” Loki asked.

“Not the wife, the husband.” Sherlock said, and cracked a genuine smile which Loki actually returned.

The Doctor laughed. “I have one of those! A wife. But she’s more like a husband...”

Sherlock smirked. “Is she the one that calls you Sweetie?”

The Doctor did a double take. “How did you...?”

“You wore the same face now that you did when you told us earlier. And Sweetie is an overly maternal pet name only mothers and wives use, especially on their male companions and children.”

“I feel exposed around you.” Loki mumbled sourly, stepping away from him.

Sherlock laughed deeply, and waved a dismissive hand at him. “Don’t worry, I only occupy myself with challenging topics.”

Glancing between the two passionate geniuses, the Doctor smiled widely, turning to his TARDIS that opened again at the snap of his fingers. “This...is going to be a fun ride.”

 _THE END_ ~

**XXXXXXXXXXXX**

**Author's Note:**

> Did anyone see that old post on Tumblr of Hiddlesbatch? Where they made it look like Hiddles was the one dominating Sherlock with the riding crop? Asdfghjkl glorious. So as you can see not so funny, lots of bitching but I had fun writing it!! 
> 
> I love Loki to bits, he’s my favourite ever, and Sherlock is just gold. I liked Tennat as the Doctor, but Smith grew on me in ways I never thought possible. He’s a great Doctor as well, and I thought he’d get along easier with these two, he’d be the peace maker. Loki and Sherlock would never ‘get on’, but they’d have a mutual understanding, challenging each other and loving it. A love-hate relationship, really. That’s why Jawn is so perfect for Sherlock, he is calm and takes Sherlock’s shit, but a man like Loki would give his own and make it worse.
> 
> Moriarty made me laugh when I wrote this, he’s such a nagging biatch, and of course Sherlock loves the attention. I hope Sherlock leaves a note before he hops in the TARDIS, with the state of the room one would deduce Sherlock was abducted. Poor Jawn. And Moriarty. He’d totally kidnap Frigga and Tony and even become an Avenger to find his beloved Sherlock, just to annoy him with riddles. So jelly.
> 
> Wouldn’t it be cool if Sherlock had the brain of a Time Lord? It would make sense I think. Only he fell off the good bunch and went a little wonky. But still brilliant. Amazing. Also, the Tesseract and the TARDIS are both of female essence, I only realised that similarity when writing this. Mrs Hudson must be Sherlock’s female essence AHAHHAHAHHA
> 
> Also, whether River pic nics with Ten or Eleven in Asgard I cannot find a straight answer. I ship her and 11 so I’ll just do them. If its incorrect oh well.
> 
> This was my very first time writing the characters Sherlock and the Doctor so cut me some slack. Also, how the fuuuu do you make deductions from Sherlock’s point of view? HARD STUFF. So yeah just…don’t mind my bad writing.
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoyed it if you read this. I apologise for errors, feel free to point them out, and I apologise for the silly oneshot, but...that’s exactly what it is. I did warn. Lots of implied shit in here, jokes and insults and I GO SLEEP NAO.
> 
> Comments would be loved! PS, “NO YOU WON’T” IS NOW MY RINGTONE


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